There’s a balance that is hard to find.
I once was extremely social. Everyday and everynight I was interacting with people, biking all over the city, being very much a part of my friends, acquaintances, and family’s lives. In the height of this I was swept up in a fabulistic romance that ended up with me living 2,000 miles away and tailoring my career pursuits to propitiate a future carved out for me. As a willing participant in this, I was fulfilling the lifelong prophecy of moving away from Chicago, and continuing this exciting moviesque life I ultimately used to shroud any deep understanding of what I really wanted in life. During this time, I learned the invaluable lesson of contentment in being alone. Removed from the hypersocial lifestyle, and thrown into something that left me home alone 6 months out of a year was a shock. There was some solace found in old friends who also lived in the surrounding areas, but nothing like back at home. The network I existed on was cut off.
Coming back to Chicago, I thought I would naturally move back into old habits, coexist in the same old network but inevitably, I had changed.
Habitually making plans to go out during days and making plans at night no longer cloaked the inability to be still, be alone. If anything, I enjoyed spending time by myself or working on projects around the house.
It has taken more effort than initially expected to reconcile the two.
I’ve come back to a place where people expect me to be the same despite being two very different people. Here, nothing has changed, I have. I am painfully aware of this.
It’s a mile walk down Thomas from California to Damen. One thing that has never changed about me is that I will always choose walking over any other transport. Although, I did ache a bit for old bike riding days.
Leaf shadow casted sidewalks and a familiar homey feeling. The only neighborhood to give me this besides the one I grew up in.
Meeting up with friends, having a fulfilling night with familiar bodies and conversations cannot be compared to. That with being able to walk home, just brings me back to pre-California Corey.
Reflection eases me into the idea that yes, these familiar nights do make me happy, but not because I am just filling a void.
Balance is tricky. Balance is something I might pine for my entire life.