23 January 2009 @ 03:35 pm
I recently came back into my old notebooks. The ones that had been in Florida and Pennsylvania without me for the last three years. I thought I was only missing the one- which drove me up the wall. Not remembering what I wrote for an entire year.
“I’m missing a year of my life!”
To my surprise I was actually missing two notebooks- One I completely forgot about. I’m pretty sure that if I hadn’t seen it in front of me, I would’ve never remembered it.
One night I sat down and read through all the pages.
Of course it was mostly- “I’m in spanish and this is what i’m thinking right now” or “its 2am and i’m thinking out loud again” And most of it was bullshit relationship stuff but a couple things really stuck out.
First of all, I wrote about 2 or 3 times a day. That’s 2 or 3 times more than I write a week now. Also it wasnt filtered. Nothing was aimed towards anyone. It wasn’t for anyone at all. Completely uncensored me. That was refreshing.
But some of it I really did enjoy.
There’s one part in particular where I talk about what college will be like, what I will be like when I’m 24.
“As much as I love the midwest and love living in it, I really need a vacation, or even to go up to Michigan. When I go to college I want to go somewhere on the east coast but I don’t know where yet. If I could have a wedding the way I want it, I’d have it on the east coast. It’d be in some old historic location. The band would play sweet avenue. That’d be the first slow dance.
Too bad dreams like that rarely come true.
Pretend that you are now 24 years old. Almost none of what you do now will affect you then. “Remember all those teenage bands?” remember all those chords. all of those lyrics, long nights, long practicing. all that’s gone now. lucky if you made a cd- then actually kept it. even if you make it big enough among your crowd. your high school. and you manage to touch some kids. you gain a following. but then you go to college. chances are you won’t have the same friends. chances are you wont keep in touch as much as you would like to. chances are if you keep in touch with some, the rest are gone. So why, why do we spend all the time, money and mind on these things?
We do it because it makes us happy right now. It’s a short term production of your mind. it’s you as of now. We are teenagers, we are confused with exactly what we want or are. but you do what makes you happiest. We make bad decisions, we smoke, we drink, do drugs, have sex and the one ONE single happiest feeling that sticks with me is driving, wearing whatever we think looks good at the time, sunglasses on (even if it’s cloudy or night) and just being out. out of the house, out of school, out of work. midlo turnpike, oak forest, even beverly. its an awesome feeling. that no one can take from us, even time. “
April 4th, 2005
10:20am
I give myself the best advice but it took me 4 years to really understand it.
6/2/2005
Back when I used to like Camel Lights.
Ps:
I looked at the cover right after I got this notebook back and written in blue on the front read-
“Sometimes I think Im better off dead. Oh wait, not me, you.”
hahhaha