So On and So Forth. (Living, pt.1)
I’m exhausted.
I’m not depressed, I’m exhausted.
Depression is for people who have the luxury of taking the time to feel depressed.
People who have real reasons to feel the lowest of the low, are usually people that breach past depression onto something else that you can’t understand unless it happens to you.
Like people who are dying.
Hah, I’m nowhere near that, I’m not depressed, and I’m not past it either.
This is different.
I feel as though it’d be dumb to even stop and feel bad for myself- like a waste of time.
Therefore i’m actually doing pretty well. Something like a unknown epiphany.
this is why I feel this way:
I have four pills coursing through me everyday. They have changed so many times that I feel like a test rat. Where I’m landed now, I never feel like eating. Even if I force myself to eat, i either get sick or throw up. Therefore I eat once day, if even that.
Even if I wanted to eat- my choices are can soup or pasta (no sauce).
I have not gone grocery shopping since the day after new years.
& I cannot afford to buy food. At all.
I wake up at 4:15am, get ready, go to work, then around noon, i go to class till 4 or 5 at night. Then I do homework, sometimes manage to get out and do something, or have people over.
I sleep about 2-3 hours a night, I cant help it at all either. I cant afford to sleep, and even if I could, the medicine makes me stay awake.
So really, in a sick weird way it all works out. Things working against me, end up working for me.
Money. I hate money.
This semester I had to pay half of the tuition on my own, because my dad fucked me. I know that my parents split the cost of my college, and I’m lucky for that, but my dad- I don’t care that he’s paying. He owes my mom so much money.
So I covered my dads half with my own money, thanking god I had scholarship money, and waited for him to pay me back.
Working is hard when im in school for these reasons:
-I called the women who hired me through the hospital and has her move me back to the clinic, this is great but,
-calls come between 10pm and 4am, telling me to get to work by 5am.
-its in the west side of chicago…we dont really get colds and flus, we get gun shots and stab wounds.
-Get a different job you say? This one pays 10$ an hour. Its a sweet deal, but I was going to give it up because i absolutely need the money
I worked my ass off to make rent on time this month. I stole paper towels and toilet paper from my parents so that I didn’t have to spend money on them.
I’m worried that if we both get kicked out, I have really nowhere to go. I can go to different friends’ apartments, but what about all my stuff.
My furniture, clothes, everything. That can go to my moms, but I can’t do school and worry about where i’m staying night to night. And getting to work at 5am from beverly would mean leaving at 3:30am.
I dont know, Ill see how it goes.
Im struggling here.
After all this, after being on all the time, I still feel okay.
Im still happy im in school.
Im happy I work.
Im happy I still get to see my friends and family.
its going to be warm out again soon.
its going to be spring break soon.
this semseter will come to an end and summer will be great.
I know this cant last forever, and it might not get all that easier-
but im living.
Im not dying, therefore I am fine.